First Date
by sleapyGazelle
Summary: Tumblr prompt: "Well, this is awkward." Hiccup is finally going to go out with Astrid. What could possibly go wrong? Don't answer that. Based on a scene from Parks&Rec Hiccstrid. One-shot. Rated T for drinking.


**A/N:** I got this prompt a while ago, and while bingeing on Parks and Rec the other day, I was inspired to recreate Leslie and Dave's very awkward yet perfect first date, with Hiccup and Astrid.

 **Disclaimer:** Almost all the dialogue in this drabble is taken from Parks and Rec, season 2 episode "Practice Date." I own nothing here.

Here we go.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm going on a date with Astrid." Hiccup sits on a rock with his elbows on his knees and his chin on his knuckles, shaking his head.

Tuffnut and Snotlout share a look that can best be described as 'done.' " _We_ can," they offer simultaneously.

Hiccup doesn't seem to notice and keeps talking. "Astrid and I are going on our first date tomorrow," he repeats. Unnecessarily. For the fifteenth time. "I'm not nervous," he states a bit defensively, head suddenly snapping up. "Why should I be nervous? We're just two people going on a first date. There's nothing to be nervous about, right?"

Snotlout opens his mouth to answer, but Hiccup doesn't let him speak. "Hey anyway, so,can I ask you guys a question?"

"Shoot," says Tuffnut.

"What if I get drunk and I talk about dragons too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up dragons enough?"

Fishlegs claps him on the shoulder. "Hiccup, relax."

Hiccup looks up at his friends, who look slightly exasperated but are smiling supportively. "Yeah, you're right." A beat. "I just have a few more questions for you guys." He reaches into his forearm guard and pulls out a folded piece of parchment. He smooths it out in his lap and starts reading. "What if I drink an entire bottle of squid ink thinking it's just really bad ale? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of dragon berries, I accidentally pop a couple of oleander berries and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?" He sneaks a look up at his audience.

Fishlegs is mildly horrified, while Tuffnut and Snotlout look lost in visualizing these possibilities.

"Those are all insane hypotheticals," says Fishlegs, "the probability of each of which occurring is less than 1%."

"They have happened. All of these have happened to me."

A chorus of ohs and okays follows this confession. Tuffnut gets to his feet. "Okay. I have a plan."

"I know what you're thinking," interrupts Hiccup. "You hide behind a tree across from me, out of Astrid's line of sight, and hold up signs telling me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something, Tuff, it never works."

"No, no, no. We are gonna go to the beach and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Astrid, and you will practice on me."

"That's a way better idea," Hiccup concedes with relief.

"Why do you get to be Astrid?" protests Snotlout. "If she weren't about to date Hiccup, she'd be dating me, so I should play her. Besides I'm the only thespian here. A character actor. Remember Sir Ulgerthorpe?"

"I have long blonde hair and no beefy muscles. It'll be easier for Hiccup to visualize," says Tuffnut simply. "Come on."

* * *

Tuffnut sits in the sand, helmet off and his now braided dreads thrown over a shoulder.

Hiccup approaches. "Hey, Astrid, it's me. It's Hiccup."

"Hi, Hiccup." Tuffnut's high pitched impression of a girl's voice sounds nothing like Astrid, but Hiccup will take what he can get at this point.

"So, Astrid. Let's begin our conversation," he announces, pulling a stack of cards out of his other forearm guard.

Fishlegs pops up from behind a shrub. "What's on the note cards?"

"They're possible topics of conversation."

"Dragons, parades, smithing," Snotlout reads over Hiccup's shoulder. "And the rest are blank."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't think of anything else."

"Okay let's try this again." Fishlegs and Snotlout hide again.

* * *

...Half an hour later...

"The Danish call it 'op og ned apparat,' which literally translated means the 'up and down machine.'"

"Wow, that's a thorough history of the teeter-totter." Tuffnut decides he can never enjoy teeter-totters again.

"Now I'm gonna talk about the local flora and fauna found on Berk. What's amazing—"

"You know what?" Fishlegs pops out again. "Just ask her a question."

"Okay." Silence.

"Hiccup?" prompts Fishlegs.

"What should I ask her?"

"You're pretty good friends with her. What do you usually talk about?"

"I can't think of anything to ask her. I'm sorry. My mind is blank." He puts his head in his hands in despair.

"Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head," offers Tuffnut.

"How big are they?"

Fishlegs turns red, while Snotlout yells " _Really?_ "

Hiccup turns redder than Fishlegs. "Oh, my gods."

"Okay, okay. We'll try again," soothes Fishlegs. "Let's take it from the top. But first I need to talk to Tuff." Hiccup's advisors disappear behind the shrub, whispering furiously.

Being careful not to be overheard by Hiccup, Fishlegs lays out his plan. "I once read about how to treat phobias with a method called 'exposure therapy.' So, like, if you're afraid of snakes, you should be immersed in a tank of snakes."

"Is that legal?" Tuffnut wonders out loud.

Ignoring him, Shootout completes Fishlegs's thought. "So, we're going to immerse Hiccup in a tank of bad date?"

"Precisely."

"Okay, great Dragon Whisperer. We're ready for you," smirks Snotlout.

"Ohh, gods," Hiccup rolls his eyes.

The crew members go off set again, and Tuffnut takes his place.

Hiccup approaches again. "Hi, Astrid."

"You're late," barks out Tuff. "And your fly is open."

"What? No. Really?" He almost trips over himself trying to check.

"You're 20 minutes late, I almost left." Tuff has abandoned trying to sound feminine, and is practically yelling.

"Okay," Hiccup quips nervously.

" _Gods!_ " huffs Tuffnut.

"Well, I was dropping off Toothless's cousin."

"Toothless is the only night fury. He doesn't have cousins."

"She's a golden retriever. What? I don't know. That's not a dragon breed. He doesn't have a cousin. The cousin is a sand wraith."

"Stop lying."

Thinking fast, Hiccup grabs a shell lying nearby. "Hey, look! There's a shell." He reaches over to pick it up. "Oh, no! I got sand in your hair. I'm so sorry."

" _Come on!_ " Tuffnut is not finding it very hard to _act_ exasperated.

"Just... I have to go to the whiz palace. You know, Astrid, the place where you... You know, the toilet thing." He practically runs off. Fishlegs and Snotlout emerge with concerned looks on their faces. "It's a bathroom!" Hiccup calls out over his shoulder triumphantly. "It's called a bathroom!"

* * *

… Three hours later…

"Why would you say that, Astrid? That yak was, like, my best friend before I met Toothless. And when he died, it was one of—"

Snotlout suddenly walks up to Tuffnut, and they start talking as if Hiccup isn't there.

"Hey, Snotman."

"Wanna hang out at my hut later tonight, Astrid?"

"Yeah, definitely."

Snotlout leans down from standing to whisper something in Tuff's ear.

"Yeah, I can ask," says Tuff, turning to Hiccup. "Hey, do you wanna make out after this with me and Snotlout?"

"No, Astrid. That's disgusting."

"So, it's definitely a no?"

"I don't understand why you're being so terrible," Hiccup finally explodes. "We're just two people trying to go on a date. It's supposed to be fun. It's just a date."

"You're right, it is," says Snotlout.

"Well done," adds Tuffnut.

"Sorry we had to get so extreme on you," says Fishlegs. "But now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive."

"Well, well, well," Hiccup smiles slowly, "you coy bastards."

They laugh, and clap him on the back. The group starts walking back toward the clubhouse.

"You guys are so awesome. I'm lucky to have friends who would spend a whole day being so mean to me."

"You're officially first date-proof," announces Tuffnut.

"Thank you, Astrid."

"Listen, it's gonna go great," assures Snotlout."Astrid's really into you. I don't _understand why_ , but she is."

"Gee, thanks." Hiccup's sarcasm is back.

"She's probably freaking out about finally going out with you too, suggests Fishlegs."

"No, she's not."

"Yes, she is," insists Snotlout.

"She's gonna love you," promises Fishlegs.

"You're cool and you're sexy and you're funny and you're smart," lists Tuffnut, matter-of-factly, counting the points off on his fingers.

"Yeah."

"Look, any girl would be lucky to date you," says Snotlout.

"Yeah. Yeah!"

"Hel, yeah!

"Yeah."

"Hels, yeah!

"Yeah. I am awesome!"

"You are awesome."

"Yeah, and you are, too."

"Thank you."

"You are, too."

"Thank you."

"You are, too, Snotlout."

"Okay."

"You're awesome."

" _You're_ awesome."

* * *

…Five hours later…

"Help, Astrid!" It is the pitch black of night and Hiccup is banging on Astrid's hut door, drunk. "Help! Help!"

She throws open the door, axe in hand, ready to fend off the dragon hunter attack. Because what else could this be about?"

"Hey. Look, I know today is today, and it's not tomorrow, but I felt like you should know that I'm awesome, and you're lucky to have me." She gawks at him. "And I think our first date tomorrow is gonna go awesome, off-the-charts amazing." He tries to lean against her doorframe coolly, and almost falls over.

"All right, let's do this, lass! I'm not scared."

"Lass?" Astrid is thoroughly bemused.

Hiccup points over her shoulder into her hut. "Can I come and sit down for a little bit? 'Cause I walked here, 'cause Toothless wouldn't let me ride him, 'cause the drinking."

"Yeah, okay." She steps aside to let him through.

He staggers in and manages to settle down on the floor. "The other guys were helping me because I was panicking about tomorrow."

She has never seen Hiccup this drunk before, and is struggling keep a straight face because he is impossibly cute. "Well," she says, putting her axe away and settling down across from him, "did I say something to make you worry about—"

"No, no. Just the whole idea of our first date was just kind of freaking me out," he admits. "But not anymore." He stretches out his legs and leans back on his hands. "I can't even believe that I was scared to go on a date with you. I mean, you should be scared of me." His voice cracks at this last bit.

Astrid hides a smile. "Okay."

Hiccup starts tugging at his leather armor. "I think I need to make new armor. I think Toothless stuck my armor to my shirt or something."

"I think it's just buckled down."

"I think it's going pretty well with Astrid, Toothless," Hiccup stage-whispers.

"Hiccup, that's not Toothless. That's my bed."

Hiccup doesn't comprehend this. "She wants me," he whispers to Astrid's bed/Toothless. "I can totally tell that she wants me."

Astrid raises an eyebrow. "I'm right here. You know I'm here, right?"

Hiccup turns to face her. "Did you see my undershirt? Mmm? Bee, boop." He flashes up the hem of his leathers to show her the red tunic underneath. "Guess what? I'm wearing the hot one tomorrow, the green one. It brings out my eyes."

"Okay," she says amusedly, not bothering to hide her smile anymore.

"Can I use your bathroom?" He stands up shakily.

"Yes." Astrid takes his arm to guide him.

"Are you impressed that I know what it's called?" he asks earnestly, his eyes boring into hers.

"Look, maybe I ought to give you a ride back to your hut on Stormfly. I don't think you're safe to walk across a bridge right now."

"Good." He nods, then decides to attempt a joke. "So, you're gonna put my hut on Stormfly? No, thank you."

"Let's– let's go. Okay? Okay." She steers him out of her hut toward Stormfly.

"Let's go," he chimes. "Okay. Down to the clubhouse."

"That's right." She helps him up on to her dragon.

"To the clubhouse. To get a pint. Of ale."

"Yes, Hiccup."

* * *

…The next morning…

"You're kidding me." Ruffnut's face is full of mirth and holds no sympathy.

"No. I'm not." Hiccup keeps his back to her as he bathes Toothless.

"You showed up at Astrid's hut in the middle of the night, drunk, and you didn't even sleep with her?"

"Should I have?" Hiccup is thoroughly confused.

"It never hurts," says Ruffnut.

"Thor."

"Hey." Astrid comes up behind Hiccup.

" _Hey,_ " leers Ruffnut, wagging her eyebrows.

"Hey!" Hiccup shakes the water out of his hands as he turns to face Astrid.

She hands him a satchel. "You left quite a bit of stuff at my place last night. Shoulder guard, and a boot, and a leg."

Hiccup steps forward. "I am so sorry for what happened last night. On my list of embarrassing things that I've done in my life, that was numbers one through seven." He looks at the ground and rubs his neck. "I totally understand if you wanna cancel."

Astrid chuckles, and shakes her head at him. "It's okay, Hiccup. You can make it up to me tonight on our second date."

He looks up from the ground to meet her eyes. "Second?"

"Well, yeah." She puts a hand on her hip. "Last night was our first date. So, that would make tonight our second." She looks at him pointedly until he gets over his disbelief and smiles goofily.

He dips his head gallantly. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Okay," she says with a wink.

Later, when he's having lunch with the guys, Hiccup fills them in. "Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it. AKA, I nailed it! No fires, no injuries, just good old-fashioned showing up drunk at a girl's house late at night."

"Hey, maybe I should try that too," says Snotlout. "Do you think Heather—"

" _No_ , Snotlout," interrupt three voices in sync.


End file.
